Sex Change

If you’ve been paying attention to the Democratic and Republican Parties’ presidential nomination races, I am sure that you, too, are sick of the word “change.” I am so aggravated by the word that when the counterperson at the café offers me my change, my first impulse is to slug him. Perhaps now that Hillary Clinton has won the New Hampshire primary the word “change” will be retired, or at least given a rest. Instead of the “change mantra,” the candidates will figure out some other squishy concept to mouth. Polls will be commissioned, consultants engaged, a few pundits listened to, and all will conclude that Clinton won New Hampshire because she “brought women back into her camp.” So what is a man to do in a race where the media-anointed “front runner” is the only woman? Simple: Trumpet their womanhood. Hell, if Hillary and Mitt can claim to be “agents of change,” what is stopping Obama, McCain, and Huckabee from growing vaginas? Need help to hear how that presents itself? Allow me:

Barak Obama: Now…you might not be able to see it under these pants, but I…have… a vagina... I have a big vagina, a vagina big enough to envelop all people, …… all parties, …… all visions. They are going to tell you that I don’t have a vagina. They are going to tell you that my vagina will never work. They are going to say that my vagina is all talk and no action. But they are wrong…I have a vagina that you can believe in. I have a vagina that will unite us as a people. My vagina is not about race or class or gender. My vagina is about hope. I have the vagina of hope.

John Edwards: When people think of the word “pussy,” they often picture something soft, weak, and cowardly. Not me. When I think of my pussy, I think of a fighter, a pussy that will get down into the trenches and work it for the middle class, a pussy that knows the taste of poverty, a pussy that came from the coal fields of South Carolina. My pussy fought its way out of those coal fields and it is the only pussy that will fight for you in the White House. I have the only pussy that can’t be bought. My pussy is the pussy of America. My pussy is your pussy and I promise that it will be on top.

Just because the Republicans are not Democrats, don’t think they aren’t paying attention to what went down in New Hampshire. God knows, the Repugs don’t have any clue how to “engage the electorate.” They look to the Dems for guidance. Before Iowa, the Repugs (sans Ron Paul and Mike Huckabee) were Bush men. Post-Iowa they became “agents of change.” They, too, will find their inner vaginas.

John McCain: Well, well, I don’t have to tell you about my vagina. You know that I’ve always had a vagina. It might not be the prettiest vagina, it might not be the tastiest vagina, but it is a vagina that was there before all these other guys got their vaginas. And it is a vagina that will always tell the truth. This is a vagina that you can trust will always be a vagina.

Mitt Romney: Vagina? I’ve always had a vagina and my record proves it. It’s a good vagina. It is a vagina of values. It is an American vagina, built by hard work. It is a hard working American vagina…and it has values. It is a valuable vagina of hardworking America. It is a family vagina. A family vagina of freedom. It is a freedom-loving vagina of the American family of values and hard work. It is a vagina, loving of freedom and hard work, that came to America from a family who came here legally. It is a legal vagina. A legal vagina of a hardworking family with the values of an American, an American vagina that works hard legally in America for a freedom-loving family of values. It’s a freedom vagina of values and hard…..

Mike Huckabee: Jesus had a vagina. He might not have shown it off, but he did have a vagina. And I wrote a little song about it. You are welcome to sing along.

Jesus had a vagina
All the live long day
And just because he had a vagina
Doesn’t mean that he was gay.
Can’t you hear people callin’
Through these fields of corn?
They want a real pussy,
Not anymore internet porn…

Sure, sure, there are other Repugs in the race, but all I could make out of Fred Thompson’s mumbling were the words “cunt” and “Ronald Reagan.” Rudy the G flat out denied he was “a pussy,” pointing to his performance after Nine-Eleven and his many ex’s. And in the spirit of Democracy, I didn’t consult Ron Paul or Democrats Dennis Kucinich and Mike Gravel, but I am sure they would be happy to flash you theirs.